


Pretty Boys Doing Preposterous Things: An Anthology of the (Mis)adventures of the Iwatobi High School Swim Club

by cae_fanfic



Category: Free!, Gundam, K-On!
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-06
Updated: 2017-07-04
Packaged: 2018-09-28 15:08:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 11,937
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10125740
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cae_fanfic/pseuds/cae_fanfic
Summary: A chain fanfic from the members of Cal Animage Epsilon, UC Irvine's anime club. The story chronicles the varied adventures of the Iwatobi High School Swim Club. Tags may change as the work progresses.





	1. The Great Gunpla Battle of High Speed Bishie Swimmers against the Moe Forces of Tea, Cake, and Rock Music

**Chapter 1 author: "Alen Smythe"**

The crest of a high and beautiful wave broke in a plunging manner near the shoreline of Doan Island. A lone figure stood on the island’s beach, stoically keeping watch and observing the surroundings. This figure was a massive mechanical construct that was painted white with blue and violet highlights. The mechanical figure, a Mobile Suit to be exact, would not have looked out of place in Neon Genesis Evangelion, due to its inhumanly slender proportions and lanky limbs. Funnily enough, the shy personality and meek temperament of this Mobile Suit’s pilot would have also been right at home in Evangelion, especially given that the Mobile Suit’s pilot was equally reluctant to be in the cockpit. Sneakily approaching from behind this lanky figure was a dark red Mobile Suit that vaguely resembled the Bishop from a Chess set, and as this medieval-looking contraption approached, the slender Mobile Suit at the beach pivoted to face it.

“You see anything interesting here, Mio?” The pilot of the approaching Mobile Suit inquired.

“Nothing so far, Ritsu.” Mio, the pilot of the slender Mobile Suit, responded.

“I don’t get it,” Ritsu complained. “If these guys from Iwatobi High School came all this way to participate in a cross-school exchange for our school’s cultural festival, why aren’t they battling us? I’m getting bored with slashing down palm trees with my Mobile Suit’s Beam Sword.”

“Ritsu,” Mio gently explained, “we are facing the Iwatobi High School Swim Club and its manager; I would hazard a guess that they are all fielding Amphibious Mobile Suits.”

Pouting, Ritsu responded, “Yeah, I could’ve guessed that too, but still, we’ve been in the Gunpla Battle Simulation Program for half an hour already and we haven’t even seen a trace of ‘em.” 

“That is why I volunteered to keep watch at this part of the beach in case they tried to ambush us from the water,” Mio replied.

Then, after a bit of contemplation, Ritsu asked, “Say, Mio, if I constantly roam around the island’s surface with Yui keeping watch on the other side of the island and Mugi being garrisoned in the middle of the island, don’t you think that it is a tad risky to make Azusa observe the surrounding waters alone?

“Well Ritsu,” Mio began, “considering that Azusa is the only one amongst us with an Amphibious Mobile Suit, we didn’t really have much of a choice. After all, this is an Annihilation Match, and according to the rules of the simulation program, we need to eliminate all enemy Mobile Suit pilots to claim victory, and if we think the enemy has Amphibious Mobile Suits, we need to at least have someone patrolling the island’s surrounding waters.”

Sighing, Mio proceeded to grumble about a loophole in the simulation’s program such that eliminating a Mobile Suit without properly exterminating its pilot which would still allow the pilot to attack, provided that the pilot managed to survive the destruction of their Mobile Suit.

To this, Ritsu piped up, “Come on, why worry about that? There’s not much a pilot can do against a Mobile Suit anyway.” Then, deciding that further tempting fate was an excellent idea, Ritsu smugly added, “Besides, Azusa’ll be fine. What’re the odds that those swimming bishies are gonna attack us all at once anyway?”

***

Meanwhile, 20,000 feet away from Doan Island and about 900 feet under the ocean’s surface, a group of five Amphibious Mobile Suits silently and stealthily approached. The five Mobile Suits were quite varied in appearance, with one resembling a sphere, one having a plump body and stumpy limbs, one being a gargantuan beast that loosely resembled an elephant, and the other two being rounded and streamlined aquatic contraptions.

“So,” came a cheerful-sounding voice from the spherical Mobile Suit, “I know that our minds are just hooked up into this virtual simulation program and all that, but if that’s the case, why are we all wearing only our swimsuits?”

“Well,” replied a female voice from the plump and stumpy-limbed Mobile Suit, “it’s because these are Amphibious Mobile Suits. Thus, you guys are already prepared and dressed in the event that you need to eject while under water.”

“Well Gou, if that is the case,” a voice from the elephant-like Mobile Suit dramatically responded, “why are we the ones in swimsuits while YOU get to wear a Pilot Suit that resembles the unholy offspring of an Evangelion-esque Plugsuit and a NASA-style pressure suit?”

“Easy, Rei,” Gou responded while lewdly panting. “It’s so that I can ogle all of your lovely and ripped muscles…” Then, realizing what she was admitting out loud, she hastily and unconvincingly amended, “Uh, I mean, because my Acguy and I could… potentially exit the atmosphere… and I need to be prepared for… um, exposure to the cold vacuum of space.”

Unimpressed, Rei replied, “Gou, all of our Mobile Suits are aquatic in nature. Even though space combat is a thing in this Gunpla Battle Simulation Program, I highly doubt that your Acguy could even leave the atmosphere, let alone function in space.”

“Hey,” Gou cut in, “that may be so, but that didn’t stop the Beargguy from fighting in space during Model Suit Gunpla Builders Beginning G.”

“So? That Beargguy still got utterly annihilated in that space battle.” Rei countered. Then, after pausing for a second to analyze Gou’s earlier statement on muscles, inquired, “Also, we are all inside our own Mobile Suits. How the hell can you see us anyway?”

With a look of embarrassment and panic on her face, Gou replied, “I have no way of seeing you boys and your luscious and moist muscles, and I have most certainly NOT installed secret hidden cameras at all angles on the interior of your Gunpla Models’ cockpits.”

“Very reassuring.” Rei sardonically quipped.

“Everyone, focus,” a serious voice from one of the streamlined Mobile Suits cut in. “We’re reaching Doan Island soon.” 

“Haru-chan’s right,” the voice from the spherical Mobile Suit happily piped up. “Let’s stick to our plan and prepare to attack. Gou and Rei, you go on ahead and head underneath the island to tunnel your way up. I’ll cover Makoto and Haru-chan as we storm the southernmost beach.”

“Nagisa-kun,” Rei responded, “make sure to stay frosty out there. We’re going up against Sakuragaoka High School’s Light Music Club, after all.”

Looking confused, Nagisa responded, “Wait, I thought they were called Hokago Tea Time?”

“Hey, hate to break up this debate, but my sensors are picking up something else in the water ahead of us,” Gou cut in.

“Must be one of the enemy Mobile Suits,” Rei said. “Well, let’s cut to the chase. Team Seadevil, move out!”

“Say, Rei-chan,” Nagisa asked, “why is ‘Seadevil’ our team name anyway?”

“‘Cuz both Anglerfish Team and Team Angelfish were already taken,” Rei answered.

“If that’s the case,” Nagisa complained, “why couldn’t we call ourselves Team HNTR? You know, using the initials of our surnames?”

“As members of the Iwatobi High School Swim Club,” Haruka responded in a somber tone, “it is our duty to duly represent both our club and our school with a fitting name for this endeavor.”

“Aw, come on Haru-chan,” Nagisa protested, “Team HNTR would be an awesome name; it sounds like Hunter. Plus, it’d be fitting as we’re all using Amphibious Assault Mobile Suits.”

Seeking to break up the pointless chatter and redirect attention to the mission objectives, Gou interjected, “Guys, focus, Operation Buran has now begun. You know your roles; carry ‘em out. Oh, and Nagisa, isn’t your idea of Team HNTR forgetting about me and my surname’s initial?”

***

Meanwhile, back on the shoreline of Doan Island, Mio and Ritsu were still talking, although to be fair, Mio was at least paying attention to the horizons and surroundings, albeit in a fitful and frantic manner.

“Remind me again why we are competing against a club of boys for our high school’s cultural festival?” Mio asked.

“Well,” Ritsu replied whilst checking a comically large list, “out of the solicitations to the Kamiyama High School’s Classic Literature Club, the Hikarizaka Private High School’s Drama Club, some weird club from Nishinomiya’s North High School called The SOS Brigade, some delusional club that dubbed itself The Far East Magical Napping Society of Summer, and even a random group of some Otaku High School Girls from the city of Kasukabe in the Saitama Prefecture, only the Iwatobi High School Swim Club accepted Sawa-chan-sensei’s invitation.”

“I wonder why they accepted.” Mio wondered aloud to herself.

“Mio,” Ritsu said sneakily, “don’t tell anyone else about this, but I heard that the reason that the Iwatobi High School Swim Club accepted the request was ‘cuz Sawa-chan-sensei had some dirt on the Swim Club’s Supervisor.”

“Eh?” Mio gasped, “What do you mean?”

“I dunno,” Ritsu said, “Sawa-chan-sensei said that she and the Swim Club’s Supervisor were old classmates.”

“Interesting, but what blackmail material could Sawa-chan-sensei have?” Mio replied.

“Some mysteriously cool stuff. Get this, Mio,” Ritsu said with an impish grin lining her face. “Sawa-chan-sensei said that, way back in the day, the Swim Club’s Supervisor called herself Marin-chan when she was a…”

“ALARM!” A frightened voice blared across Ritsu and Mio’s com links. “We’re under attack from some of the Mobile Suits from the Iwatobi High School Swim Club!”

“Calm down, Azusa,” Mio replied. “What Mobile Suits do you see down there?”

Composing herself, Azusa responded, “I came into contact with a MSM-04G Juaggu and a MSM-04 Acguy. I’m trying to lose them in the island’s littoral caves; some help would be nice.”

Mio and Ritsu would have given Azusa advice on how to deal with the Juaggu and the Acguy if it hadn’t been for the loud roars of Hydrojet Booster Packs from the two rounded and streamlined Amphibious Mobile Suits that suddenly rocketed out of the water. Mio and Ritsu stared in awe as Haruka’s Hygogg and Makoto’s Z’Gok-E soared over their Mobile Suits, descended, and skidded to a stop onto the beach near both girls’ location.

As they briefly looked away from the shoreline to observe the dynamic entry of the two enemy Mobile Suits, the spherical structure of Nagisa’s Kapool stealthily rose from the waters like that of a WWII Kriegsmarine U-boat. As the Kapool surfaced, the spherical form transformed into a more humanoid shape, allowing its chest area to slide open, which thus exposed the Mobile Suit’s multiple torso-based missiles launchers. Noticing this, Ritsu zoomed in on the source with her Mobile Suit’s Mono-Eye Camera. Doing so allowed her to notice the Kapool aiming in the general direction of her and Mio. With several bright flashes, the Kapool launched a volley of missiles from its body, with the howling roar of the projectiles signaling a majestic symphony of destruction. Further adding to the forthcoming cacophony, Ritsu readied the shield of her Gyan whilst bellowing out, “MIO, INCOMING! HIT THE DECK!”

At Ritsu’s exclamation, Mio pulled at the controls of her Correl and managed an acrobatic leap into the sky. With the sunlight glistening off of the disturbed sand and the lithe form of her Mobile Suit, Mio proceeded to nimbly snake through the air, dodging the swarm of crisscrossing missiles whilst simultaneously moving closer to the freshly landed Hygogg and Z’Gok-E. Before her Correl made contact with the ground, Mio whipped out her Mobile Suit’s sole weapon, a Beam Knife, and slashed at the Hygogg. It was only Haruka’s reflexes and instinctive backslide that saved him from an early defeat, as Mio slashed at the ground where he had previously stood. Seeking to take advantage of a potential vulnerability, Haruka raised one of the waterproofed Hand Missile Units on his Hygogg and fired off its payload at Mio. Undaunted, Mio and her Correl deftly summersaulted away from the explosive projectile whilst also sending a vicious roundhouse kick to the torso region of Makoto’s Z’Gok-E.

While Mio was cartwheeling across the battlefield, Ritsu’s slightly less maneuverable Gyan bore the brunt of the Itano Circus from Nagisa’s missiles head on. As the Macross missile massacre rained down indiscriminately onto the beach, Ritsu merely crouched down and turned her Gyan’s massive shield towards the incoming barrage, utilizing her Mobile Suit’s thick armor plating and fortified shield to shrug off the damage. Once the salvo of missiles ceased, Ritsu, with a sly grin on her face, slammed her fist into a big red button with a cartoon skull on it. At this, her Gyan’s shield, which happened to house several dozen Needle Missiles inside of it, fired off a retaliatory bombardment of shrieking projectiles at Nagisa’s Kapool. This action had the desired effect of causing Nagisa to transform and re-submerge in order to avoid destruction, enabling Ritsu to both charge to Mio’s position and aid Mio’s attack unimpeded.

***

Seemingly unware of the havoc and escalating situation on the surface, Azusa continued, “And a little while ago, my long range sensor picked up signatures from a MSM-03C Hygogg, a MSM-07E Z’Gok-E, and an AMX-109 Kapool…”

“YEAH, WE KNOW!” Mio and Ritsu mutually yelled into their mics. Then, scanning the surroundings as she ran, Ritsu stated, “Yui, we could use your help over here on the south side of the island. Mio and I are engaged in combat with the swim club’s Hygogg and Z’Gok-E.”

Yui’s loud voice responded to this request with an apologetic, “Sorry, guys. I’m currently backing up Azu-nyan on the other side of the island. Mugi’s scanners are indicating that the swim club’s Kapool is moving to join up with the Juaggu and the Acguy. Speaking of those two, the swim club is really pressing the attack over here. Not to mention, it’s kind of hard to damage that Juaggu, my Mobile Suit’s ranged options aren’t the greatest, and Azu-nyan’s Agguguy is mainly specialized for CQC.”

Rolling her eyes in irritation, Ritsu radioed back, “Well, do what you can. See if you can lead them over to Mugi’s position. She’s our ace up the sleeve for this fight. Best of luck over there.”

Refocusing, Ritsu was rapidly approaching Mio and the two swim club Mobile Suits. Fortunately for her, they were both facing away from her Gyan as their attention was on the nimble form of the Correl, which was slashing and darting about with ease. To be fair, the boys’ Amphibious Mobile Suits’ weren’t slouches in the mobility department, as they were regularly able to dodge and attempt counterattacks. Seeking to even up the odds, with a purposeful grimace and a terrible sound, Ritsu made her Gyan raise its massive Beam Sword high into the air before brutally bringing it down onto right arm of Makoto’s Z’Gok-E, severing it at the shoulder in the process.

“No one gets to mess with my friend Mio!” Ritsu triumphantly declared, before pausing and amending, “Well, except me, that is!”

Ritsu’s declaration was answered with a salvo of torpedoes from the upper torso of the Hygogg. Catching her off guard, one of the torpedoes impacted the dead center of the Gyan’s shield, sending Ritsu’s Mobile Suit crashing to the ground. With the tables seemingly turned, Makoto walked over and raised his Z’Gok-E’s remaining arm, aiming its Iron Nails over the cockpit area of the fallen Gyan. Before he could stab at the cockpit, Mio’s Correl leaped over and grabbed Makoto’s Z’Gok-E in a half nelson. While Makoto’s Mobile Suit was caught in Mio’s grappling hold, the Correl’s free arm hacked and slashed at the head area of the Z’Gok-E. The distraction enabled Ritsu’s Gyan to regain her footing, which concerned the imperiled Z’Gok-E’s pilot.

“HEY, HARU!” Makoto shouted out. “It’d be real nice if you could get this Mass Production Evangelion Lookalike off of my back!”

“Don’t worry, Makoto,” Haru responded with a small smirk. “I’ve got a plan.”

With that, Haruka’s Hygogg bounded straight over towards Ritsu’s Gyan. Noticing this, Ritsu swung her Beam Sword in a horizontal arc. Anticipating such an attack, Haruka responded by firing the Hygogg’s thrusters in order to slide underneath the swipe. Such a move put Haruka close to Ritsu’s Mobile Suit, and the Hygogg’s arm promptly extended and latched onto the Pickelhaube-like head of the Gyan. Swinging his free arm at the Gyan’s legs, Haruka swept the Gyan once again off of its feet, and then, with another burst of the Hygogg’s thrusters, skidded towards the Z’Gok-E and Correl. The Hygogg, with the Gyan grasped firmly in its arms, promptly swung the captive Mobile Suit like a baseball bat at the Correl. Unfortunately for Haruka, Mio noticed the attack and subsequently vaulted off of the Z’Gok-E. Equally unfortunate for everyone who wasn’t Mio was the fact that the momentum of the Hygogg’s swing was too great for Haruka to counteract, resulting in the Gyan impacting the Z’Gok-E.

***

However, seconds before impact, Ritsu armed the naval mines hidden in her Gyan’s shield and waited until the inevitable collision. Once her Gyan connected with the Z’Gok-E, Ritsu triggered the detonator, causing a massive explosion that propelled numerous lethal shards of shrapnel into the cockpit of Makoto’s Z’Gok-E. The explosion also had the side effect of dislodging Ritsu’s Gyan from the grip of Haruka’s Hygogg, all at the very low and reasonable cost of both knocking away her Beam Sword and utterly wrecking her Gyan.

Dazed and concussed from the ordeal, Ristu weakly radioed to a retreat order to Mio. Moments later, after regaining his bearings, Haruka vaulted his moderately damaged Hygogg over to the crippled Gyan and angrily fired his Mobile Suit’s hand-mounted Beam Cannons into Ritsu’s cockpit, eliminating her from the simulation battle.

Witnessing this and choosing not to listen to the final request of her friend, Mio once again charged at the Hygogg, Beam Knife extended in a slashing posture. This time, her attack was met with shots from the Hygogg’s torso-mounted Gatling Guns. Caught by surprise, Mio was unable to dodge, and the rapid stream of hot lead impacted her Correl. Normally, shell-fired weaponry would be somewhat ineffective against Mobile Suits. Unfortunately, the main downside to the Correl was its paper-thin armor. Consequently, the bullets from the Hygogg’s Gatling Guns had little issue tearing through the Correl’s weak armor, easily shredding and destroying Mio and her Mobile Suit.

After desperate attempts to hail Makoto via radio proved unsuccessful, Haruka exited his Hygogg in order to personally inspect Makoto’s fallen Z’Gok-E. Haruka’s search proved to be in vain, as the grizzly sight of the ruined cockpit was enough to confirm Makoto’s elimination. Clenching his fists in anger and irritation, Haruka let out a bloodcurdling scream to the heavens before solemnly marching back to his Hygogg. Once inside, he inquired about the status of his other teammates and then set off to join them in combat.

***

Things were starting to look grim for Azusa and Yui, who were locked in battle with Gou, Rei, and Nagisa on the other side of island—that is, until Yui, wildly swinging both of her Mobile Suit’s Beam Sabers, reckless ran straight at Nagisa’s Kapool and Gou’s Acguy. The Kapool and the Acguy dodged by rolling in opposite directions. However, in doing so, the Acguy inadvertently positioned itself near Azusa’s Agguguy. Seizing the opportunity, Azusa used the whip-like Heat Rods on one of her Agguguy’s arms to grapple and disable Gou’s Acguy via a high-voltage electrical discharge. With the Acguy incapacitated and unable to respond, Azusa used the Iron Nails of her Agguguy’s other arm to pierce the cockpit of Gou’s Acguy from behind. As the lifeless Acguy fell to the ground, Azusa fired off a fusillade from her Agguguy’s forehead-mounted 20mm Vulcan Guns at the remaining swim club Mobile Suits, who accordingly took cover behind nearby boulders. At this, Azusa dashed away. Noticing this, Yui threw one of her Mobile Suit’s Beam Sabers at the boys’ location to keep them momentarily pinned and dissuaded, before following Azusa’s lead and vacating the battlefield.

Surprised by this development, Nagisa and Rei messaged Haruka for assistance and arranged to meet up to engage in pursuit of the enemy. After Haruka met up with Nagisa and Rei, the three remaining swim club members proceeded to track the path of the fleeing Agguguy, an action that was not hard due the curious cat paw-like footprints from said Mobile Suit. Speaking of which…

***

“So let me get this straight,” Haruka began in disbelief. “You guys are telling me that Gou got eliminated by a customized Agguguy with oversized cat ears, a set of whiskers drawn onto its face, and a tail…”

“Look, Haru-chan,” Nagisa protested, “you had to be there to see it. Kinda like the situation with the other Mobile Suit from Sakuragaoka High School’s Light Music Club. I mean, that other one was quite something, you know. It was…”

“Quiet, Nagisa-kun,” Rei said. “I’m picking up some large energy readings up ahead; it might be the enemy Mobile Suits.”

“Speaking of which,” Haruka wondered, “there were five girls at the pre-match handshake before we got into the simulation machines, and so far we’ve only run into four enemy Mobile Suits. Where the hell’s their fifth one?”

Before Rei or Nagisa could respond, the three boys got clear of the island’s dense foliage. Doing so allowed them to see the customized and cat-like Agguguy, posing with its arms crossed over its torso region, coupled with its shoulders defiantly spread back and a manic glint in its massive shining mono-eye. Curiously, the Agguguy was standing near what looked to be a sports stadium, although exactly what a sports stadium was doing in the middle of an island was certainly a mystery for the swim club members, one that was unfortunately disregarded.

“Listen up here!” Rei bellowed to the Agguguy. “We’ve got you cornered!” Then, readying both of his Juaggu’s 3-barreled Vulcan Cannons, he threatened, “Now, we can do this the hard way or MY way, so what’s it gonna be, eh? What’s it gonna FUCKING BE?!”

“My, what crude language,” a refined and formal voice with a slight Finnish accent responded out of nowhere. “I suppose that it is time for me to teach you boys some proper manners.”

At this statement, the sports stadium rumbled and shook, with various random pieces of camouflage falling off, before the stadium proceeded to rise up from the ground. To the shock and horror of the swim club, they realized that this massive structure was most certainly NOT a sports stadium, but instead a Mobile Armor—more specifically, the infamous MA-08 Big Zam.

“Oh hey,” Haruka deadpanned. “Big Zam.”

“BIG ZAM!?” Rei shouted out in disbelief. “That’s it, man. Game over, man. Game over! What the fuck are we gonna do now? What are we gonna do?”

“Here’s what I’m gonna do,” Nagisa defiantly responded while readying the Kapool’s Beam Cannon, torso missiles, and its pair of forearm-mounted 3-barreled Autocannons. “I’m gonna show this girl that the bigger they are, the harder they fall. EAT THIS!”

With this war cry, Nagisa launched an alpha strike of his Kapool’s weaponry. Unfortunately, Nagisa’s attack proved ineffectual, due to the Big Zam’s I-Field generator negating the beam weaponry and the Mobile Armor’s massive bulk effortlessly shrugging off the autocannon rounds and missiles.

“Nagisa-kun,” Rei shouted, “our beam weapons are useless against its I-Field. We need to…”

Unfortunately, before Rei could finish, his transmission was terminated, probably due to the fact that he and his Juaggu were utterly vaporized by a direct blast from the Big Zam’s Large Mega Particle Gun, leaving only a smoking crater where he and his Mobile Suit had once stood.

“Well,” Haruka said with just a minor tinge of panic and fear lining his voice, “if you’ve got any other plans, Nagisa, now would be a good time to hear them.”

“Haru-chan, it just so happens that I’ve got one last-ditch gambit up my sleeve,” Nagisa responded. “I’ve read about it from a very reputable and reliable source, and it currently has a 100% success rate.”

“Oh really?” Haruka droned as the Big Zam slowly started to pivot to face his and Nagisa’s general direction. “And what exactly does this plan involve?”

“Well, that’s easy,” Nagisa cheerfully said. “We just need to use our legs.”

“Use our legs?” Haruka queried. “To do what?”

“TO RUN FOR OUR LIVES!” Nagisa screamed as he promptly spun his Kapool around and bravely turned his tail and fled.

“Hmm,” Haruka pondered as the Big Zam menacingly stared down at him, “plan sounds reasonable enough to me,” and he proceeded to run to the hills.

“HA!” Azusa laughed. “Flee, cowards! Tremble under the power of Hokago Tea Time’s mighty Gunpla Battle Force! Once we mass-produce the Big Zam, we’ll be the ultimate champions, the Undefeated of the East, West, South, North, AND Center!”

Right before beating a very brave retreat, partially to avenge Rei’s defeat and partially to shut up the gloating Agguguy pilot, Haruka fired the second and last missile from his Hygogg’s remaining Hand Missile Unit at Azusa. The poor girl never saw it coming.

**

“Hey, Nagisa,” Haruka asked after catching up with the Kapool as they both were both running to the island’s south beach, “Rei interrupted you earlier. You never did say what the other Mobile Suit you guys were facing earlier was.”

“Oh, right. That.” Nagisa said, before pausing to flip through a visual encyclopedia. As he did so, he muttered to himself, “Now, let’s see. It was a… No, that’s not it. It’s a… It’s a…”

“IT’S A GUNDAAAAAM!” Haruka screamed.

“Yeah, a Gundam,” Nagisa responded, completely missing the uncharacteristic distress from Haruka’s outburst. “In fact, I think it was the GF13-017NJ Shining Gundam to be—”

CLANG!

At the ‘CLANG!’ sound, Nagisa realized that he had run face-first into a white, blue, and red Mobile Suit, which was proudly blocking the path to the ocean, with said path being the sole escape route for him and Haruka. Moreover, the collision had knocked the Kapool to the ground.

“Shit,” Nagisa mumbled as Yui’s Shining Gundam moved into a fighting stance while readying its Beam Saber.

Before she could strike, Haruka’s Hygogg leaped over the supine Kapool and tackled the Gundam away from Nagisa. From his Hygogg, Haruka commanded, “Nagisa, get out of here and head for the ocean. HURRY! ESCAPE!”

Before Nagisa could respond, the Gundam aimed a powerful kick at the torso of the Hygogg and then, with Haruka dazed from the impact, shoved the Hygogg away. The Gundam, which had started to glow with a golden aura, promptly thrust its right hand and Beam Saber up into the sky, Conan-the-Barbarian-style.

“This hand of mine glows with an awesome power!” Yui yelled as energy surged throughout the Gundam and focused into the Beam Saber, resulting in an increase to the weapon’s power, size, and shape. “Its burning grip tells me to defeat you! Take this: my love, my anger, and all of my sorrow!”

As Yui was shouting her battle cry, her Gundam’s Beam Saber was gradually taking the form of a Gibson Les Paul Standard Electric Guitar. Then, charging at the fallen Hygogg, Yui roared out, “HERE I GO! SHINING GIITA!”

As Nagisa helpless shrieked out in despair, Yui, utilizing a stance that The Clash’s Paul Simonon would have heartily approved of, smashed the Beam Saber version of her guitar into the cockpit of the Hygogg, instantly eliminating Haruka.

“HARU-CHAN!” Nagisa wailed in anguish, right before a lone missile happened to impact the head and main camera of Yui’s Gundam, destroying it and leaving her blind to the surroundings.

“What the?” Both Nagisa and Yui gasped out in shock.

“Heh,” a pained voice rang out from across the beach. “Looks like your team didn’t read Article Two of the Gunpla Battle International Guidebook: When in doubt, double tap.” The voice briefly laughed before sounds of weakly coughing out blood replaced it.

Recognizing the voice, Nagisa exclaimed in joy, “GOU! You’re still alive?”

“Yup,” Gou faintly responded from her Acguy’s blood-soaked cockpit. “It’s just a flesh wound.”

After responding to Nagisa, Gou promptly fired off multiple missiles from her Acguy’s Missile Launcher in conjunction with gunfire from her forehead-based Vulcan guns and beams from her Mega Particle Cannon at Yui’s damaged Gundam. The bombardment proved too much for the headless Gundam, which collapsed and exploded from the damage.

“Gou,” Nagisa said as he began to move his Kapool over to the Acguy’s position, “the last unit that the Light Music Club has remaining is their Big Zam.”

Despite a thin stream of blood leaking from her mouth, Gou remarked, “Bring it on. I could do this all day.”

Worried, Nagisa asked, “You sure that you’re okay there?”

Grimacing a little as she chuckled, Gou responded, “It’s gonna take more than a little poke in the ribs to take me out of this fight.”

***

Now, to Gou’s credit, approximately 2,000 tons of metal from a colossal Mobile Armor landing on and crushing you and your Mobile Suit was indeed “more than a little poke in the ribs.” Indeed, such an event proved more than enough to eliminate Gou from the battle simulation.  
Nagisa stood aghast at the sight of the mighty Big Zam, fresh from rocketing out from the island’s center, as its pilot raised its leg to inspect the clawed foot that had recently crushed Gou.

“Oh my,” Mugi, the pilot of the Big Zam remarked. “It appears that I stepped on something.”

“Not on SOMETHING!” Nagisa fumed. “On SOMEONE, you jerk!”

“It is quite rude to raise your voice to a lady and an upperclassmen,” Mugi scolded, “and while I’m dispensing with advice, I highly suggest that you surrender.” As Mugi readied her Big Zam’s Large Mega Particle Gun and its battery of secondary Mega Particle Guns, she stated, “Resistance is futile. You will be exterminated.”

Gritting his teeth in rage, Nagisa recalled a catch phrase from his favorite science fiction television program, Galaxy Quest: “Never give up; never surrender.” Taking these words to heart, Nagisa sent his Kapool in a mad dash towards the Big Zam.

If Mugi was caught off guard by this development, she certainly didn’t show it, for she immediately began spamming numerous deadly high energy beams towards Nagisa’s Mobile Suit. Nagisa managed to bob and weave around the beach, narrowly dodging Mugi’s beam attacks. Out of the corner of his eye, Nagisa noticed the hilt of a Beam Sword sticking out of the sand. Upon closer inspection, he recognized it as the weapon of a Gyan, specifically Ritsu’s Gyan. Running over to it grab it, Nagisa picked up the weapon before rolling into the blind spot directly underneath Mugi’s Big Zam. Then, addressing his fallen friends, Nagisa leapt at the undercarriage of the Big Zam, swinging the appropriated Beam Sword whilst channeling another line from Galaxy Quest: “By Grabthar’s hammer, by the Sons of Warvan, you shall be avenged!” As Nagisa finished the quote, the Beam Sword impacted the Big Zam’s soft underbelly. Sparks and debris fell from the area as Nagisa wildly swung the Beam Sword with abandon. After several such swings, Nagisa assumed that the I-Field was down. Due to this, he vaulted to the top of the saucer-like superstructure of the Big Zam and thrust the Beam Sword straight down the Mobile Armor’s center. Then, deciding that there was no kill like overkill, Nagisa promptly unloaded all of his weaponry at what he guessed was the control center of the Big Zam.

***

As the Big Zam, already smoldering and disintegrating, started to collapse in on its legs, Nagisa assumed that the battle was over and slumped down into his pilot seat. If he had been paying more attention, he would have noticed the small blonde figure with enormous eyebrows climbing out of the remains of the Big Zam’s cockpit. Then again, even if he wasn’t paying attention, he should have noticed the enormous sword grasped by the blonde girl. Although, to be honest, the weapon held by the girl was much too big to be called a sword. It was massive, thick, heavy, and far too rough. Indeed, it was more akin to a heap of raw iron. Despite this, Mugi was hefting this weapon as if it were made out of cardboard. Then, pausing to prepare one final stab at the Kapool’s cockpit, Mugi jumped towards Nagisa’s Mobile Suit from the burning bridge of her Mobile Armor. It was around then that Nagisa belatedly saw his incoming doom. Before penetrating the Kapool’s cockpit with her weapon, Mugi roared out, “Ex...CALIBUR!”

Nagisa felt the blade pierce through him as she released her war cry. As he slowly felt the life drain from his body, he could faintly see Mugi reaching into a pocket of her Pilot Suit, in order to pull out and wear her Ray-Ban Aviators. Once the sunglasses were on her face, Mugi triumphantly gazed off into the sunset as the simulation program ended.

***

“Match Complete!” An enthusiastic voice shouted, “Winner: Sakuragaoka High School’s Light Music Club!”

At this statement, the gathered high school students of Sakuragaoka Girl’s High School promptly cheered at the projection screen.

“And there you have it, folks!” An announcer clad in a red tuxedo and an eyepatch hammily proclaimed. “The Sakuragaoka High School’s Light Music Club has defeated the Iwatobi High School Swim Club in an exciting nail-biter of a Gunpla Battle Match!”

The ten simulation cockpits present near the stage that were also wired up to the projection screen and combat computer slowly opened, and the Light Music Club members and the Swim Club members disembarked and headed to the stage for the post-match handshakes and awards.

“Well, we tried our best,” Makoto said. “And I suppose that this was quite fun and interesting.”

“It certainly was different from what we usually do,” Rei commented.

“Hey, Haru-chan,” Nagisa asked, “do you think that we’ll be doing events like this in the future?”

“Who knows?” Haruka responded.

“Yeah,” Gou cheerfully added, “we’ll just have to wait and see what happens next.”


	2. Swim Club Memories: Iwatobi’s Overshadowed Attack

**Chapter 2 author: “Alen Smythe”**

“ALARM!” Azusa screamed in panic to her teammates as she fled from the rapidly approaching Acguy and the sluggishly floundering Juaggu. “We’re under attack from some of the Mobile Suits from the Iwatobi High School Swim Club!”

Azusa’s radio crackled to life as a soft and gentle voiced replied, “Calm down, Azusa. What Mobile Suits do you see down there?”

Composing herself as she maneuvered to the northern side of Doan Island, Azusa responded, “I came into contact with a MSM-04G Juaggu and a MSM-04 Acguy. I’m trying to lose them in the island’s littoral caves. Some help would be nice.”

Static and silence were the only replies that Azusa could discern from her communications system. Preparing herself for combat, Azusa hailed Yui’s Gundam for assistance as she headed for the surface.

“I’m ready to rumble,” Yui cheerfully stated as she readied a repurposed Twin Buster Rifle. “Give the word and I’ll be ready to rock.”

At that moment, Azusa’s custom Agguguy, which heavily resembled a cat, suddenly surfaced from the waters near Yui’s position. Moments after the Agguguy made it onto the beach, an Acguy from the Iwatobi High School Swim Club broke through the waters, its mono-eye scanning wildly for hostiles.

“OKAY, YUI!” Azusa yelled out as her Agguguy frantically gestured towards the Acguy. “GIVE IT TO HER!”

Confused, Yui questioned, “Huh? Give it to her?”

“YEAH!” Azusa shouted. “LET HER HAVE IT!”

Misunderstanding, Yui shrugged and replied, “AAALLLLLLL-righty then.” With that, Yui sauntered up to the Acguy and promptly dumped her Gundam’s Twin Buster Rifle onto the stubby limbs of the Acguy, utterly confusing all others present.

After a moment of abject befuddlement, Azusa recovered enough to yell out in frustration, “YUI, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!?”

Somehow, Yui had the gall to be annoyed at Azusa’s complaint, irately responding, “Hey, I was just listening to what you told me to do.”

“WHAT!?” was Asuza’s baffled response. “SHE’S THE ENEMY YOU IDIOT!”

“Well, you said to let her have it,” Yui clarified, “and then you told me to give it to her, so I gave the Acguy the Twin Buster Rifle.”

Azusa was flabbergasted at Yui’s stupidity, and Gou, the pilot of the Acguy, was equally speechless. Taking advantage of the confusion and chaos, Gou attempted to aim the recently acquired Twin Buster Rifle at the Light Music Club’s Mobile Suits. However, as Gou was trying to do so, Yui finally managed to put two and two together. Moving her Shining Gundam up to the Acguy, Yui said, “Hey, cute-looking Mobile Suit there. Too bad you won’t be able to tell after I break it.” Then, with a smirk, she used her Gundam to sucker punch the head area of Gou’s Acguy, all while quipping, “Break your face, that is.”

The attack resulted in Gou’s Acguy losing both its grip on the Twin Buster Rifle and its balance as it crashed to the ground. Stunned, Gou fought with her controls to regain her footing as Yui loomed over her. In a somewhat ditzy tone, Yui added, “You know, now that I see it up close, your Mobile Suit looks like crap. But you don’t have to worry about that. I’m about to make it look much worse.” Then, while raising her Gundam’s foot in preparation for an axe kick, Yui added, “Your face, that is.”

Saving Gou from utter annihilation was a bombardment from the slow-to-arrive Juaggu, which was firing off its Vulcan Cannons with reckless abandon. A lucky shot struck Yui’s Gundam in the torso region, blasting it off of its feet and away from Gou’s Acguy. Fortunately for the Swim Club Members, Yui’s Gundam also happened to fall on and crush the cast-aside Twin Buster Rifle, rendering it useless for the upcoming battle.

Due a combination of anger from the Gundam Pilot’s attack and slight overconfidence from the arrival of the Juaggu, Gou waved to the fallen Gundam while yelling out, “REI, BLOW ‘EM AWAY!”

Mishearing, Rei incredulously responded, “Blow them? But I hardly know ‘em. Also, they’re girls, so I don’t think it works like…”

Exasperated, Gou fired her roughed-up Acguy's forehead-mounted 105mm Vulcan Guns at Azusa's and Yui’s Mobile Suits while screaming, “I DIDN’T MEAN IT THAT WAY! USE YOUR JUAGGU’S MEGA PARTICLE CANNONS TO ANNIHILATE THESE GUYS!”

“Alright already, chill,” Rei responded as he proceeded to light up the surrounding beach with explosive ferocity.

“Say, Nagisa,” Gou radioed, “can you lend us a hand over here at the northern part of the island?”

“On the way,” Nagisa replied. “It was getting pretty dicey at the south beach anyway. I’m en route to your position.”

“Good to hear, Nagisa-kun. See you in a bit,” Rei responded as he continued his onslaught. “We’ll try to leave some Mobile Suits for you to fight, but if you don’t hurry, there won’t be any left.”

* * *

As she was taking cover behind some boulders, Azusa remembered some earlier readings and Mobile Suit signatures that she had picked up. Before attempting to reengage the Swim Club members in combat, Azusa decided to update her teammates, radioing, “And a little while ago, my long range-sensor picked up signatures from a MSM-03C Hygogg, a MSM-07E Z’Gok-E, and an AMX-109 Kapool…”

“YEAH, WE KNOW!” was the mutual response from Mio and Ritsu, with the sounds of a decisive battle raging in the background.

Meanwhile, as Yui was picking herself up nearby, she received a message from Ritsu, who stated, “Yui, we could use your help over here on the south side of the island. Mio and I are engaged in combat with the swim club’s Hygogg and Z’Gok-E.”

Yui’s loud voice responded to this request with an apologetic, “Sorry, guys. I’m currently backing up Azu-nyan on the other side of the island. Mugi’s scanners are indicating that the swim club’s Kapool is moving to join up with the Juaggu and the Acguy. Speaking of those two, the swim club is really pressing the attack over here. Not to mention, it’s kind of hard to damage that Juaggu. My Mobile Suit’s ranged options aren’t the greatest, and Azu-nyan’s Agguguy is mainly specialized for CQC.”

Rolling her eyes in irritation, Ritsu radioed back, “Well, do what you can. See if you can lead them over to Mugi’s position. She’s our ace up the sleeve for this fight. Best of luck over there.”

“Sure thing,” Yui replied. Then, muttering to herself, she complained, “Darn, sounds like they’re having all the fun over there. I bet that Ricchan’s gonna have a blast.”

* * *

A/N: This chapter takes place chronologically in the middle of the first chapter. Specifically, this chapter is an edited account of the other battle on the north side of the island that took place concurrently with the south beach battle described in the first chapter. The text for this chapter was originally present in the first draft of Chapter 1, but I edited it out in order to focus on the south beach battle and to prevent confusion resulting from cutting back and forth between the two battles. Also, in order to preserve the reveal of Yui’s Mobile Suit, the original text did not explicitly name her Gunpla Model at the time. For the sake of convenience and ease of reference, I have edited the cut content for this chapter to refer to her Gunpla as the Shining Gundam or as the Gundam. All else remains unchanged from the original draft of Chapter 1, and I hope that the start and end points, relative to the timeline of the first chapter, are recognizable. In order to meet the Chapter 2 deadline, I repurposed the cut content for this submission at the last minute. Hopefully others will add on to this chain fanfic in the future. Enjoy.


	3. The Crypt of Doom

**Chapter author: Meowfia Boss**

**Chapter editor: Alen Smythe**

* * *

 

“USHIO, PLEASE DON’T LET GO!”

“I will never let go, Shinji, I promise…”

“So Nagisa, your character claims that she ‘will never let go’ huh, WELL THEN, LET’S SEE YOU ROLL FOR IT! HAHAHAHA!”

“Damn it Nagisa, you just had to say it out loud.”

“Rei-chan, I’m sorry, but I didn’t want to break character...”

“That’s alright Nagisa, I still love you.”

“Boys, can you do the horizontal tango some other time… on second thought, let me know when that is gonna happen so I can ogle all your sweaty, moist, luscious muscles.”

“Gou, that’s awkward.”

“Nagisa, it doesn’t matter, just roll the dice; believe in yourself.”

“YOU GOT IT REI! COME ON GHOST OF GYGAX, BLESS ME WITH A CRITICAL... aw shit.”

“Nagisa, you aren’t getting any tonight.”

“NO, PLEASE REI-CHAN, ANYTHING BUT THAT!”

“HAHAHAHA! YOU ROLLED A 1, THAT’S A CRITICAL _FAIL_ IF I EVER SAW ONE! Nagisa, due to your failure at dice rolling, as DM, I hereby declare that your character promptly lets loose her grip on Rei’s character, and this action sends Shinji falling into the DEEP BOTTOMLESS ABYSS OF ETERNAL SUFFERING! HAHAHAHA! *Cough,* *Hack,* *Wheeze,* could one of you guys pass me a glass of water?”

* * *

‘Hi, there, my name is Nagisa Hazuki. You’re all probably wondering what the hell’s going on here, how’d we all end up like what you saw above, and stuff like that. Well, to tell you the truth, it’s a long story, so let just start from the beginning.’

‘Our story begins on what was a lazy Sunday afternoon; me and the rest of the Iwatobi High School Swimming Club were just sitting around and minding our own business.’

“Oh Haru, harder, come on, oh yeah, that’s the stuff. RUB IT IN!”

“Mako-chan, can you keep it down over there, Rei-chan and I are trying to sleep together.”

“Yes, indeed, Makoto, can you and Haruka keep your shoulder massage sessions to a minimal volume level, I’m quite tired and wish to continue my nap in peace.”

‘Sadly for Rei-chan his peace and quiet was about to be rudely interrupted.”

“WHAT’S UP BITCHES?! WHO WANTS TO PLAY THIS NEW RPG THAT I GOT TODAY!”

‘The loud one is Gou Matsuoka, she’s our swim club’s manager, and a big RPG fanatic. I should probably clarify though, it isn’t that she herself likes playing the games, she loves being the DM or Dungeon Master, and she is a firm believer of the Gygaxian school of Dungeon Masters, aka, the most sadistic, evil, petty, killer DM known to man and woman. Once in an RPG Session, Gou is truly the devil in the form of a high school girl.’

“Gou, can’t you see that Haru and I are occupied,” Makoto replied as Haruka kneaded his hands into Makoto’s shoulder blades, “can we do this some other time?”

“NO!” Gou dramatically wailed, “It has to be today, for the glory of our ancestors!”

“That makes no sense at all.” Rei deadpanned. “And besides, can’t you see that we are busy?”

“Oh I see you guys getting busy,” Gou replied, “and exciting as that may be, I wanna test out this new expansion, and I have ways of making you boys obey me.”

“So Gou,” Haruka responded, “what’s your plan? Are you gonna try hypnotizing us with your boobs again? Don’t you remember how badly that failed last time?”

“Oh no,” Gou responded in a sweetly evil tone, “I want you guys to playtest this new Dungeons and Dragon’s expansion, but if you are busy, I guess I’ll just have to make some food for you hardworking boys, I won’t want you guys to go hungry now would I?”

Shaking in fear, Rei replied, “Gou… you wouldn’t.”

“Oh, as the manager of this club, I would. In fact, to put it simply I MAKE THE RULES HERE! Now, we can do this the hard way or my way, so what’s gonna be boys?”

* * *

 

‘After Gou-chan coerced us with threats of having to taste-test her cooking, don’t know what everyone else’s problem was, her cooking is quite tasty, we all began character creation. Haru-chan became Ryosuke the Human Ranger, ‘cause as he says, “I roam free or I don’t roam at all,” whatever that’s supposed to mean anyway. Mako-chan became Akatsuki the Half-Orc Assassin, I think his reasoning went along the lines of “Backstroke, backstab, eh, what’s the difference?” Now, Rei-chan made himself an Elven Druid character. He called himself Shinji for some reason, I don’t know why. Now, for those curious, I made a Cleric character; she’s a Dwarf and her name is Ushio.’

“O.K. boys,” Gou said with an evil grin, “here is the expansion pack called the Crypt of Doom, to start off, you guys all meet in a tavern with your basic starting equipment, you can decide what you want to do now.”

“Greetings everyone,” Ushio cheerfully said while winking, “my name is Ushio, it’s a pleasure to meet you guys, I look forward to working with you all.”

“DM X, I’ll kill you for this.” Akatsuki growled to the sky for no apparent reason.

“We should probably look for a quest,” Shinji stated, attempting to get the campaign back on track, “I will check the board over by the bar to see if there're any we can do.”

* * *

 

‘After Rei-chan’s character finished talking to the scary looking bartender with an eyepatch, we got a dungeon crawl and exploration quest. Some lord wanted a group of adventurers to explore this ancient dungeon called The Crypt of Doom. For some reason, none of us thought anything of it.'

“You know,” Ushio happily said as the group approached the entrance of the dungeon, “this reminds me of prison!”

“I am not even gonna try to figure out what that means,” Shinji responded. “So, are we really about to walk into a dungeon that has a skull-shaped opening as its entrance?”

“Shinji, shut up and get in the goddamn entrance,” Ryosuke brusquely growled whilst stomping his way past the terrifying visage of the dungeon’s opening, “there’s nothing to be scared of.”

“Say, is that a Sphere of Annihilation?” Ushio asked innocently while pointing at a glowing object a little past where Ryosuke was standing.

“DIBS!” Makoto shouted out before Gou pelted him with dice for breaking character.

“Fine alright already, ‘my character calls dibs,’ is that what you wanna hear Gou?” Makoto complained.

“Dexterity check, roll for it.” Gou responded, barely concealing her glee.

“Sure whatever,” Makoto replied while rolling his eyes, “I rolled a 13, so what happens?”

“What happens you say,” Gou replied with a manic glint in her eyes, “I’ll tell you what happens, your character, Akatsuki, along with Ryosuke, stupidly blunders their way into the crypt’s first trap, a false entrance!”

“WAIT,” Haruka shouted out, “A FALSE ENTRANCE?”

“YES!” Gou cackled, “And in your clumsiness Akatsuki, you knock over the fake Sphere of Annihilation, which was connected to a mechanism that was holding up the jaws of death!”

“Jaws of death?” Makoto weakly mumbled.

“INDEED, that fake sphere was the trigger for this trap, the cavern’s ceiling comes crashing down upon you and Haruka’s characters! HAHAHAHAHA!”

“DAMN YOU DM X!” Akatsuki wailed as the ceiling barreled down upon him and Ryosuke.

**TO BE CONTINUED!**


	4. Welcome to the Meat Grinder

**Chapter author: The Dark Dreamscapes**

**Chapter editor: Alen Smythe**

 

“DAMN YOU DM X!” Akatsuki wailed as the ceiling barreled down upon him and Ryosuke.

‘This week on the adventures of the four butt monkeys, one undergoes a painful demise, the other is cursed with a fate worse than death, and the other two get hopelessly lost! HAHAHA, uh, oh sorry, did I say that out loud? Well, I am sorry for the confusion, allow me to introduce myself, I am Gou, manager of these boys’ swim club, and currently their all-powerful tormentor. Sorry about those spoilers, but frankly, if you thought these muscle-headed idiots were gonna make it through this module alive, then, you’ve got another thing comin’ as Judas Priest would say. Well, anyway, back to the story.’

“HAHAHAHAHA!” I diabolically laughed, “PREPARE FOR YOUR ETERNAL SUFFERING!”

“NOT SO FAST!” Ryosuke bellowed out, “I RAISE MY HANDS TO THE SKY AND CATCH THE FALLING CEILING! STOPPING ITS DESCENT!”

“HA!” I scoffed, “Roll for it, not like it’d make a… what the HELL!?”

“YES! A CRITICAL SUCCESS!” Nagisa exclaimed, “Haru-chan, you did it!”

“Well,” I continued, “that may be so, congratulations Haruka, you caught the ceiling, now let’s see if the ground can support you.”

“Wait, what?” Haruka asked.

“Oh,” I added, “what a pity, it appears that while you may possess superhuman strength, the ground is as weak as dirt. It is true that you have firmly grasped the ceiling and have prevented instant death, however, you are slowly sinking into the ground due to it giving way under the force of the impact.”

“Not good.” Rei murmured.

“AKATSUKI!” Ryosuke shouted, “GET OUT WHILE YOU STILL CAN! I WILL HOLD THIS FOR AS LONG AS I CAN!”

“NO!” AKATSUKI WAILED, “I WON’T LEAVE YOU TO…”

“The ceiling will collapse and kill anyone underneath instantly and painfully due to the rupturing of the Sphere of Annihilation in twenty seconds.” I smugly said.

“Wait a sec Gou,” Makoto cut in, “I thought you said that the Sphere was a fake anyway to lure us into a trap? Why the hell would a fake suddenly gain the ability to…”

“Imminent death in ten seconds.” I added.

“O.K. well, sorry about this Haru, but it looks like it’s every man for himself, I won’t forget your brave and noble sacrifice.” Makoto hastily replied before he rolled for his character to dodge roll out of the collapsing false entrance. “

“WHAT!? NOT EVEN TRYING TO HELP ME HERE!?” Ryosuke complained, “A POX, A POX UPON YOUR…”

‘Sadly Ryosuke’s rant was cut-off, probably, due to the ground finally giving way and the ceiling collapsing. This triggered a chain reaction that destroyed the fake Sphere of Annihilation, which immolated the crushed body of Ryosuke. His at the time barely conscious form briefly found a new definition of pain as the collapsed ground led to a boiling lava pit, quite the fitting end for someone foolish enough to presume upon making a heroic sacrifice.

* * *

“Well, that could have gone better.” Shinji flatly commented.

“May your soul rest in peace, free as the wind and free as a bird Ryosuke,” Ushio prayed.

“Man, this sucks!” Akatsuki yelled, “We found our first death trap, have no idea where the entrance is, and we already lost a party member! What is this, a slaughter house for adventurers?”

“There is no use complaining about it,” Shinji replied, “we should probably look for another way into the dungeon.”

“Indeed,” Ushio said, “and if we succeed in this mission, we can avenge the spirit of Ryosuke.”

‘After several in-game hours of searching, poking around, and clearing brush and debris, the three stooges finally found an entrance, too bad for them it was another trap, hehehhe, huh, I really need to get better about these spoilers.’

“FINALLY!” Akatsuki screamed as he and his two allies stood outside a pair of Mithril gates, “WE FOUND THE DAMN ENTRANCE TO THIS DUMP!”

“Uh, Akatsuki,” Ushio meekly added, “maybe I should test this area for traps and curses before you go randomly…”

‘Alas, it was too late for these idiots, as Makoto’s blind rage and frustration lead to him throwing open the door and… somehow dodging the volley of arrows that were triggered by the door. Aha, no matter, for he will… somehow sidestep the pressure plates and dodge the wall spikes. Well, third times the charm right, ‘cuz he will… OH COME ON! HOW ARE ORCS THIS SNEAKY!?”

“It’s ‘cuz I’m a half-orc DM X.” Akatsuki boasted, “You’re gonna need to try harder than this to stop me!”

“Uh, Akatsuki,” Ushio meekly protested, “maybe spitting in the face of god isn’t the best idea.”

“Yeah, I agree.” Shinji hastily added after his real world counterpart noticed the murderous expression lining Gou’s face.

“Oh,” I said, “try harder you say, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED! MAKOTO ROLL FOR A DEXTERITY SAVE! THE FLOOR ABRUPTLY TILTS UPON YOU! TO YOUR LEFT LIES A PIT OF SPIKES! TO YOUR RIGHT LIES A PIT OF SNAKES! PICK YOUR GODDAMN POISON!”

“Hey, wait a sec here.” Makoto complained, “Why I am the only one who needs to make this roll for a dexterity save?”  
“Because screw you that’s why,” I replied with an evil grin on my face, “I make the rules here, I AM GOD! And since Rei and Nagisa caught on to this they are spared my wrath… for now at least.”

“Oh fine,” Makoto growled, then turning to the skies, he implored, “RNGesus, I have never prayed to you before, I have no tongue for it. No one, not even you, will remember if we were good men or bad. Why we fought, or why we died. All that matters is that today is the day that I SPITE THIS SADISTIC KILL DM! That is what is important! Grant me this one request, grant me a critical success, and if you do not listen, then to hell with you!”

As the dice clattered to a stop, Makoto took a minute to savor his victory and bask in the light of his critical success. “Take that Gou! How’re them apples?”

“Well,” I said, “it indeed appears that you have not been swayed by the tilting floors, but where do you go from here I wonder?”

“Forward, where else?” Makoto responded.

“Very well, you land on a small platform,” I replied, “on this platform, a bright red gem shines brightly, what do you…”

“Well duh, I rub it!” Makoto said.

“Very well, a genie appears, ahem, I SAID, a genie appears... pardon me a minute, HEY BIG BROTHER! THAT WAS YOUR CUE!”

Murmured complaints filled the room as Rin walked in, holding a sheet of paper, in a bored voice he drawled out in a deadpan manner, “Thank you for freeing me from that cursed gem o’ brave adventurer, I hereby grant you a wish as thanks.”

“WHAT THE HELL!” Akatsuki complained, “Only ONE wish, I thought I was supposed to get three!”

“Don’t push your luck.” Rin replied darkly with a fanged grimace.

“Alright already, I’ll take my one wish,” Akatsuki stated. Then, with an evil grin he replied, “I will just have to beat DM X at her own game, I wish I can never die!”

“Very well,” Rin the Genie responded, waving his arms and casting an enchantment upon Akatsuki. While Makoto was smirking at seemingly outsmarting the schemes of the DM, Rin continued, “Also, on behalf of this DM X you so fondly speak of, WELCOME TO HELL!”

“Eh?” Akatsuki stated in confusion.

“You wish to never die yes?” Rin the Genie said, “It is done, now, please allow me to TEST IT!”

At this, the evil genie grabbed Akatsuki and flew over to one of the traps that had been vaulted over. "WE HAVE TO SEE IF MY MAGIC WORKS NOW DON'T WE?" Rin exclaimed, then with glee, Rin the Genie began ramming Akatsuki into the spikes of the spike traps. Akatsuki wailed in pain, but somehow continued to live.

“I PROMISE YOU NOTHING BUT PAIN WITHOUT END!” Rin the Genie bellowed, “REPENT AND NEVER CROSS MY LITTLE SISTER AGAIN FOR THE REST OF YOUR ETERNAL LIFE AND SUFFERING!”

Then, with a wave of his hands, the genie’s magic forced Rei and Nagisa’s character out of the hallway and into a dark abyss.

TO BE CONTINUED!


	5. And then there was one

**Chapter author: Aki Vermilion**

**Chapter editor: Alen Smythe**

 

“I PROMISE YOU NOTHING BUT PAIN WITHOUT END!” Rin the Genie bellowed out as he continued to slam Akatsuki’s limp form onto the row of rusty and jagged spikes, “REPENT AND NEVER CROSS MY LITTLE SISTER AGAIN FOR THE REST OF YOUR ETERNAL LIFE AND SUFFERING! HAHAHAHA!”

It was after the Umpteen impalement that the sadistic genie finally noticed the other two aghast party members staring at him. With a shark-like grin adorning his face, Rin the Genie waved his hands and, with the use of his magic, forced Rei and Nagisa’s characters out of the hallway and into a dark abyss.

The two flung adventurers heard a curt, “AND STAY OUT!” from the irate genie coupled with yelps of pain and agony from Akatsuki.

“Well,” Ushio began meekly, “that could’ve gone better, but at least we’re still alive.”

“HUSH!” Shinji admonished, “That is SURE to trigger a flag or something, just look at our DM, does that look like the face of mercy to you?”

Luckily for Rei, Gou the DM was far too busy laughing at Makoto’s misfortune to overhear Rei’s comment. Unfortunately for Rei and Nagisa, Gou did take a furtive look at the map before smirking, a gesture that sadly went unseen by the two unfortunate party members.

“I guess I can poke around a bit to see where we are in this place.” Ushio began.

“Hold it Ushio,” Shinji cut in, “you shouldn’t just go wandering all willy nilly around this area, you could set off traps or pitfalls and whatnot, why don’t you go ethereal or something?”

Thinking the statement over, Ushio proceeded to cast the Cleric Spell ‘Etherealness’ whilst responding, “Sure, why not?”

After casting this spell, Ushio strode over into the regions of the Ethereal Plane, an area overlapping with her current one. At least, that was the theory in practice anyway. What actually happened was a swarm of demons bum rushing her. Thankfully, before Ushio was flayed into ribbons by the terrifying horde, she decided to dismiss her spell and boldly advance in the opposite direction of the monsters.

“Well, what’d you see?” Shinji asked the terrified looking Ushio.

“The horror,” Ushio whispered, “the horror.”

“Uh, what?” Shinji’s responded, before he abruptly broke out in a cold sweat. With a trembling arm, he pointed behind Ushio and screamed out, “MONSTER!”

Indeed, there was a monster behind Ushio, although to call it a mere ‘monster’ would be a grave disservice for this horror. It was a massive and deformed hulk composed of deceased creatures. Beguiling its massive size was the creature’s agility and speed, and drowning out the screams of terror from Ushio and Shinji were the wails of pain and agony emanating from the bulging monstrosity.

“RUN FOR THE HILLS!” Shinji screamed.

“Shinji,” Ushio panted out while running, “I think that the thing chasing us is a ‘Tortured Vestige,’ and…”

“I DON’T GIVE A DAMN WHAT THAT THING IS CALLED!” Shinji screamed, “I ONLY WANT TO GET THE HELL AWAY FROM IT!”

“Why’re we running away anyways?” Ushio asked, “As brave and bold adventurers, shouldn’t we try to fight that blob, you know, for our friends’ memories and honor?”

“SCREW HONOR!” Shinji bellowed, “I WANNA LIVE!”

“HAHAHA,” Gou chuckled out, “YES! TREMBLE IN FEAR COWARDS!” After she checked over a few pages of the rule book, she grinned evilly and said, “Treasure what little time remains in your lives fools.”

As the two hapless and unfortunate souls continued to flee from the Tortured Vestige, Ushio noticed a hallway up ahead that was filled with a strangely glowing mist. Lining this hallway were walls composed of mithril and noticing this gave Ushio an idea. “SHINJI, STOP!” She yelled out, once he did so, she continued, “Slash at the walls with whatever you have, HURRY!”

After Shinji dutifully complied, a powerful current of blood gushed forth in the form of a rushing river, which just happened to be sufficient in engulfing the pursuing Tortured Vestige. Staggered and confused, the beast wandered through the hallway. As the creature staggered past the mist, it unconsciously walked back in the direction that it came from. As it did so, the monster suddenly disappeared.

* * *

“WELL,” Ushio yelled out in her attempt to be heard over the roaring river of blood, “I guessed there had to be a reason for the walls to be made of mithril, but I had no idea that it was for holding back torrents of blood!”

“Swell!” Shinji yelled back, “And what happened to the monster anyway?”

“Well,” Ushio began, “that hallway was most likely a trap, I have no idea what kind or what it did, but the point is the monster is gone and we are safe now.”

“Safe my ass!” Shinji countered, “the blood level is rising, and it is filling up this hallway as we speak, how do we get out of this one!?”

“Working on it!” Ushio replied, “I think our best bet would be through this door over here.”

As the duo walked through the door and ascended up the stairway, Gou pouted silently in the background.

“Well,” Shinji stated, “this doesn’t look so bad, but there are three doors up ahead.”

“I guess we got to go through one and hope that it is not a trap.” Ushio stated.

Two trap-rigged doors over snake-filled pits of doom later…

 “O.K.” Shinji panted, “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.”

“Look on the bright side,” Ushio replied, “at least we know that this door is safe, right?”

In the background, Gou was busy attempting to not gag on her drink.

“Well,” Shinji resignedly said, “let’s just get this over with.” With that, he opened the door and then peeked cautiously over the edge. Noticing a bleak emptiness below him, he laughed and said, “HA, take that Gou, and you thought you could slip me up now huh?”

“What’s that?” Gou said, “You wanna roll ‘slip’ huh, well sure.” After the clatter of dice and before Rei could protest, Gou replied, “Oh dear, it appears that in your haste you lost your balance and have tumbled over the edge of…”

“I CATCH HIM!” Nagisa yelled out, “I WILL ROLL FOR IT NOW!” After somehow rolling a critical success, Gou rolled her eyes and said, “Fine, Ushio, you managed to barely catch Shinji, but he is still hanging over the edge, so tread carefully.”

As he was dangling over the bottomless pit of unknown terrors, Shinji pleaded to his companion, “USHIO, PLEASE DON’T LET GO!”

Desperately attempting to keep her grip on her friend Ushio proclaimed, “I will never let go, Shinji, I promise…”

**TO BE CONTINUED...**


	6. Tales from the Crypt

**Author: Empress NEET the Lunch Hobo**

**Editor: Alen Smythe**

 

It was a dusky and warm night when two figures walked up to the skull-shaped entrance of the Demi-Lich’s tomb of annihilation. Sprawled near the entrance was a skeleton, clad in torn and decaying clerical garbs. The two figures noticed that skeleton’s cold hands were firmly clutching a crown and scepter. The deceased appeared to be a female dwarf according to all appearances, and the two figures faced each other and began talking.

“So, Marin-chan…” one of the figures, a bard clad in gaudy clothing and adorned with wild tribal body-paint began.

“Sawa-chan,” The figure referred to as Marin-chan cut in, “I told you not to call me that.”

“Yeah sure, whatever you say Marin-chan.” the bard called Sawa-chan impishly replied whilst playful plucking at her mandolin’s strings.

Sighing, Marin-chan said, “Well, let’s get this over with, the job at the tavern said to come and inspect this place and see what happened to the other party.”

“Well,” Sawa-chan stated while pointing to the skeleton near the skull-shaped entrance, “we can clearly see what happened to the other party, they’re all dead.”

* * *

Meanwhile, inside the ruined and collapsed crypt of terror, Akatsuki continued to get impaled upon spike after spike by the ever enthusiastic Genie named Rin.

* * *

“How can you be so glib?” Marin-chan countered, “Just because there’s a skeleton over here…”

“There is also the burnt and crushed remains of some other poor sap underneath the skull entrance.” Sawa-chan responded.

“Well,” Marin-chan said, “that may be so, but what about the interior…”

“I am NOT going in there Marin-chan,” Sawa-chan said, “not even if you dress up in the cute outfits I carry around with me.”

“Why would I ever want to dress up in those costumes?” Marin-chan asked, “Besides, what kind of bard carries around such things anyway?”

“A spoony one.” Sawa-chan replied with a cat-like smile.

“Well, fine,” Marin-chan said, “even if we assume that you are right and that everyone from the previous party is dead and thus beyond any and all help…”

* * *

Unheard to the two women were the cries of agony from Akatsuki and the sadistic cackling from Rin the Genie.

* * *

“So, in conclusion, how can we be sure the Demi-Lich’s dead then?” Marin-chan finished.

“Well, because of the skeleton we see here.” Sawa-chan said.

“I don’t follow.” Marin-chan replied.

“It’s fairly simple,” Sawa-chan said, “look at the crown and scepter in the skeleton’s hands, these two things are scary, ‘cuz if both are touching someone at the same time, the person that the objects are touching gets instantly disintegrated.”

“O.K.” Marin-chan responded, “And how does this guarantee that the Demi-Lich has been vanquished?”

“Easy,” Sawa-chan said, “look at the residue on the crown, it can only come from one source.”

“Meaning you think that that residue came from the Demi-Lich.” Marin-chan stated.

“Exactly!” Sawa-chan proudly said.

“Are you sure you aren’t just making this crap up because you don’t want to go into the dungeon?” Marin-chan asked.

“Come on Marin-chan,” Sawa-chan nervously began, “what kind of person do you think I am?”

“Well, I guess if you’re sure that the Demi-Lich is dead, then we can go back and collect the quest reward.” Marin-chan replied.

“Sure, but let’s take the scepter and crown first.” Sawa-chan greedily said, “These things are probably worth a fortune.”

As Sawa-chan moved in to grab the treasures, the skeleton abruptly moved to life and reached for her face.

“FOOLS!” The skeleton hissed, “Did you think that I, the great Demi-Lich…”

“Turn undead.” Marin-chan deadpanned as she cast a spell at the skeleton.

Roaring in pain and agony, the skeleton rolled around on the ground, dropping the two treasures.

“Huh,” Marin-chan said, “I guess that maybe the crown and scepter DID disintegrate the Demi-Lich after all.”

“Yeah,” Sawa-chan replied, “and it looks like he possessed the corpse of one of the party members; must have siphoned the life energy or something before all this.”

Then, grabbing ahold of both treasures, Sawa-chan slammed the crown on the weakened skeleton and raised the scepter for a strike.

“WAIT!” The skeleton pleaded, “I have an offer.”  
“SAWA-CHAN!” Marin-chan screamed, “WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?”

“Go on, I’m listening.” Sawa-chan replied to the skeleton.

“There’s a grand and valuable treasure near here, and only I know where it is and how to get it without setting off the traps,” The skeleton then turned and gestured in the direction of the Skull Entrance, “So, if you will…”

TWHACK!

The skeleton instantly dissolved into dust.

“Geez,” Sawa-chan pouted, “that was the oldest trick in the book and the Demi-Lich STILL fell for it.”

“Huh?” Marin-chan asked.

“What, it was obvious,” Sawa-chan explained, “just pretend to listen to the desperate pleas and wait for the pleader to drop their guard, works every time.”

“Ah.” Marin-chan replied.

“And since I haven’t gotten my soul siphoned,” Sawa-chan continued, “there was nothing left for the Demi-Lich to possess, so we win.”

“Hooray!” Marin-chan yelled out.

“Anyway,” Sawa-chan stated, “let’s go back home and collect our OOOH WHAT’S THAT?”

Abruptly tossing down the crown and scepter, which were both hurriedly picked up by Marin-chan, Sawa-chan ran to a partially buried urn. Carefully prying it free from the ground, Sawa-chan held it up for inspection in the evening’s dim light.

“Hmm.” Sawa-chan said, “It looks kinda old, but if we polish it up we’d probably get a few…”

WHOOSH!

Before Sawa-chan could finish her statement, an Ifrit materialized from the urn.

“Woah.” Both Sawa-chan and Marin-chan gasped in awe.

“You have done a noble deed,” the recently-freed Ifrit began. Pointing to Sawa-chan and slightly bowing, he continued, “You have vanquished the foul Demi-Lich that trapped me in that accursed urn AND freed me, for that you have my gratitude.”

“Sure…” Sawa-chan began, “no problem at all.”

“And you must be appropriately rewarded,” the Ifrit continued with a sly smile, “I grant to you one wish, choose wisely.”

“Wow!” Sawa-chan excitedly answered, then turning to Marin-chan, Sawa-chan said, “Hey, did you hear that Marin-chan, man, I wish something like this happened sooner…”

Before Marin-chan could bonk Sawa-chan over the head for her poor choice of words, the Ifrit snapped his fingers and replied, “Your wish is my command.”

* * *

It was a bright and sunny day when two figures walked up to the skull-shaped entrance of the Demi-Lich’s tomb of annihilation. Sprawled near the entrance was a skeleton, clad in torn and decaying clerical garbs. The two figures noticed that skeleton’s cold hands were firmly clutching a crown and scepter. The deceased appeared to be a female dwarf according to all appearances, and the two figures faced each other and began talking…

* * *

**Epilogue:**

“You have done a noble deed,” the recently-freed Ifrit began. Pointing to Sawa-chan and slightly bowing, he continued, “You have vanquished the foul Demi-Lich that trapped me in that accursed urn AND freed me, for that you have my gratitude.”

“Sure…” Sawa-chan began, “no problem at all.”

“And you must be appropriately rewarded,” the Ifrit continued with a sly smile, “I grant to you one wish, choose wisely.”

“Wow!” Sawa-chan excitedly answered, then turning to Marin-chan, Sawa-chan said, “Hey, did you hear that Marin-chan, man, I wish we could use this later…”

Before Marin-chan could bonk Sawa-chan over the head for her poor choice of words, the Ifrit snapped his fingers and replied, “Your wish is my command.”


End file.
